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January 31
| THE GREATEST VIRTUE
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| I have to make this quick, I had surgery yesterday 10 screws and 1 plate in the ankle.........surprisingly ok......pain but I feel like I`m in the hand of God! Eddie is doing a wonderful job picking up the slack.....Pammy my nurse xxooo, Amanda and Zudy thankyou thankyou thankyou for taking of Jaylee and providing home cooked meals! I joined CBN again 20.00 a month and a book so wonderful I cannot stop reading "Pat Robertson THE GREATEST VIRTUE" oh my ! If you belong to Jesus and follow him this book absolutely will give new insights......I have been CBN partner for a couple of years and have checked out with wall watchers charity evangelical council the good steward and every one has a 4 star rating with CBN and operation blessing.....20 a month if your not tithing to a church won`t kill you but will bless you in so many ways! Its not the money but serving just alittle makes you feel better. The book they send you free for being a partner absolutely read it..........I see each family member and what there gifts are....I can see whats wrong and right with what I want. A blessing! Anyways anyone reading this blog might just be looking for such information, of course reading the bible everyday fills you with many blessings if you live them and apply them so don`t forsake the living words of God........I won`t =] God in my heart.....God in my soul......Jesus by my side......thank you for calling me =] | January 26  I want to acknowledge the many people who are helping me thru my helplessness! Pammy! my little sister  RN and caregiver of her big sister! me!when you are here I have no worries.....and believe me I am a wringer of hands......a pacer moving back and forth....even with God a worrer! Amanda so much help with Jaylee and cooking dinner.....I never get breaks like that with her......peace and quiet such an expensive comodity in my life! Zudy Zoe Ava Jaylee loves them like family......they treat her like family......Eddie, poor guy he has so much to learn! this morning he asked does the instant oatmeal go in the water before or after.......thank you thank you thank you I have no money or gifts.....just words  I love you...thanks
Everyday sometimes every hour I panic about the surgery the future just gettin thru now, what changes I have to make to be safer and ALL looks over whelming in so many ways keeping my family intact and as stress free with there daily lives.............this picture of what I can`t do.......to me it is like I have been set in the middle of nowhere in a wheelchair and told ok now its your turn to figures out everything =[.........My hand is still in God`s hand and I am trying to pull him my way.......he doesn`t budge......my rock.........its such a relief to have someone to hold on to when I can`t move , I am thinking of the people who need God as much too.....Doug...Pastor Andy....Jason....Michael..;.Zudys family member....Muncy family.....Cyndi.....all going thru changes in life....that could be every family member and friend I have. I am so glad God understands my panic my humaness but after these episodes my mind is flooded with bible verses and my eyes turn back to God =] over and over and over....proverbs 3*5-6. .Trust in the Lord with all thine heart
And lean not unto thine own understanding
In all thy ways acknowledge Him
And He shall direct thy paths......... January 25, 2008
STRENGTH TO WEEP
by Charles R. Swindoll Like the rest of us, great men and women encounter those times in life when they can no longer restrain their emotions. Composure flies away, and feelings take control. That was what happened to Joseph at this long-awaited moment in time. It is at such sacred crossroads words fail us. Often we need to get alone to gain our composure. Joseph did.
"Joseph hurried out for he was deeply stirred over his brother, and he sought a place to weep; and he entered his chamber and wept there" (Genesis 43:30).
Can't you imagine the scene? All of a sudden, the handsome, confident leader of millions has rushed to his bedroom and collapsed in sobs. All those years passed in review. All the loneliness. All the loss. All the seasons and birthdays and significant occasions without his family. It was too much to contain, like a rushing river pouring into a lake, swelling above the dam. His tears ran, and he heaved with great sobs. All of a sudden, he was a little boy again, missing his daddy.
There have been times in my own life when I've had doubts, when I've stumbled over great cracks that appeared in my world. I've had those times when I climbed into my own bed and wept, crying out to God, just as you have. Such is life, especially when you decide to be real rather than protect some kind of super-confident image. It's comforting to realize we're in good company in times like that, isn't it?
Joseph was a great and powerful man, admittedly, but he was also a real human being with real human emotions, who could step out of the corridors of power and have the strength to weep his heart out January 24
| rain is here
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I have been pretty busy..........I fell...broke 2 bones in my ankle.....am in the wheelchair....and will have surgery next wednesday to put pins and plate in .....and here comes the rain...........trust in the lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding, and all ways acknowledge him.........going to emergency......x-rays.....home and overwhelming pain and a 4 year....keeping house....I have no more control.....will I lose it........or will I trust the Lord to guide me his way??? There is no more looking back, no more control.......it is out of my hands......God wins =] , this path he has has chosen for me is scary but I will follow. Eddie has been wonderful cooking cleaning, my sister Pam is here for a couple of days , she`s an RN so I have wonderful care.......Zudy has helped so much taken Jaylee and cooked a yummy pork roast and veggies...my niece Amanda and husband Josh took Jaylee and made dinner the night it happened.....the kids are jumpy but they will manage.....Jaron xxooo hes helping his way........God is in control.....I had to say Jesus over and over to focus on something when I fell.......little by little my roots get stronger......thank you Jesus for holding me=] and the people that God has placed in my life....what can I say.....thank you for loving us and taking care of us =] | January 21
You know what is so surprising, the verses in the bible is about my life and billions of others thru the centuries….when I read in the bible I can pick out pieces of my life and then God is so good…..he tells me what to do! So I am reading verses in the bible this morning Psalm 38 6- I am troubled: I am bowed down greatly; I go mourning all day long*** my kids fighting***falls**future of this disease*** 18* For I will declare my sin, and my sorrow is continually before me. Some faith in God, but not enough because he doesn’t hear me…things do not change…. 21* Forsake me not, O Lord: O my God, be not far from me….. I realize I have no one nothing to hear me… help me. I turn around and it is an abyss darkness where am I to go? Psalm 40* 1-I waited patiently for the Lord, and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. 2. He brought up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. 3. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God; many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord. My walk as a wife mother and women continues and ask the Lord strengthen my roots so my foundation in the Lord is unshakeable….I also pray for less words from me and too the point! I am sure Jaron will appreciate that too! Thank you God, Thank you Jesus for opening my heart
When I had that dream the night Cyndi called me …I was thinking about the state of my dreams…Jaylee came in and laid on the bed, patted my face and asked me mommie did you dream of fairies and castles =]……I use to dream of walking and running and twirling like I use too……I would be moving in my dream and think I can’t do this can I? And I would remember what it was like to just walk and even sway my hips =] course that’s when I was young looking…..now when I walk [more like walking underwater] its absolute fear of a misstep and what I am going to hurt going down…material things….bones….teeth and how long its going to take to heal…to buy…..to fix. I feel I have sort of a handle on what amputees call phantom pain. The brain remembers what it use to do. Lately though I don’t dream of moving …is it over…..maybe the memories of moving are gone. The time we spend on earth is but a drop or two compared to eternity. This is not forever….=] January 19
An excerpt to Lazarus…..when Jesus was on the cross a prisoner [2] were with him dying on the cross too and one accepted Jesus and one didn’t…Jesus said he would be in paradise with him that day …..we do not know until the last breath if a person has accepted Christ….so I hold out hope for the ones who have gone before us at that last moment…that last breath….that they knew……….and accepted Jesus…..this I pray…..and leave it in God’s hands…
Our Pastor David McAllister spoke of Lazarus and the rich man at EXL WEDENESDAY. It was about people who have gone before us “died” and who may or may not accepted Jesus Christ. It is disheartening as a believer that your loved ones…..mothers…brothers…wives….husbands…..children….friends have died without knowing Christ and where they are. Pastor spoke of Hades and Abrahams bosom essentially a waiting room for the end of the world when Christ judges the goats from the lambs….wheat from the chaff…..In the bible the rich man and the poor man said to be a “parable” is not he thinks because there is a name to a real person but a real story of what happen. The rich man lived in comfort and much of the best compared to the poor man who was sick with sores and begged for food. When both died the rich man begged the angel to dip Lazarus’s fingers in water and to minister to him…..there was a “chasm between to keep the “saved” and “unsaved” separated. I find it interesting that the rich mans only request was to go back and warn the rest of his family and friends besides ‘to quench his thirst“. Before I followed Jesus I always use to say “I would rather be down there with my loved ones” “how can I want to be in heaven when my loved ones are down there” “I’d rather be were the party is , fun and laughs” ….now knowing the consequences [torment] I want my own to find Jesus…..it is said in heaven there is a party laughing loud singing among the angels for every soul that repents and follows Jesus……..what kind of party goes on down there [Hades] when a soul is lost…..the gladness and happiness the angels celebrate in the bible I feel some when I hear of someone who finds Christ , such gladness and peace …because I will see them again…….its your turn Eddie, Jason, Jaron, friends and family………and soon Jaylee.
| CYN...=I
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Cyndi called me last night =[ ……….she is leaving to go on the road with her husband Dave who is a truck driver. She's lost her apartment her truck………..she said she was glad her husband was there…….her mom who is 90 and diabetic cried to see her daughter go, she doesn't know the extent of her troubles……….all I could do was listen silently to her…..her voice broke a little as she said goodbye …….and I stood in my kitchen, dish towel in hand…………doing nothing………..why is this happening……..I prayed and went to bed, I had a dream and I remember the verse "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto your own understanding. In all the ways acknowledge HIM and he shall direct your path". I have had this Proverb since the earliest moments of finding Christ. I am saddened but I am not running around in circles…wringing my hands…….or like the leprechaun cartoon character says "O me worl worl worl". I have confidence that Jesus is there and knows. I have "gently " tried to tell her of Christ but she still resists. When people kept telling me over and over , I know how it affected me and made me more resistant to look to God before I accepted Christ so I will pray Jesus drags her to him. Some of us come just searching, some come on there knees, and some are flat on the ground [that was me!] and have to be dragged to him! So here's my prayer Cyn, please drag her Jesus….could you please | January 18
| http://www.myspace.com/dougspartzandfriends
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This morning I was thinking about being a hypocrite…..it was in a song written and sung by Doug Spartz http://www.myspace.com/dougspartzandfriends I was thinking I myself and husband and many others didn't go to church because of hypocritical behavior……..I myself blamed God all these years because of people who I thought didn't live what they preach. Now being a child of God learning God's way I see things …the bigger picture…We are all hypocritical in big things and small things…..God makes no distinction…..it's a dirty rag and it needs to be washed or thrown away. I told my kids "don't smoke" "don't cuss" I am allowed because I'm an adult =] big hypocrite little hypocrite all the same……God is not a hypocrite so we have to do things his way……..I have A LOT of hypocritical moments in my life and interestingly God has only called me on it a few times………..I see my behavior in my kids….when they argue and fight…….when they are with friends talking about general things………the way they talk…..there values……some of my worst hypocritical moments are mimicked in my children……….fortunately God forgives………humans don't. My oldest son smokes cusses like a sailor…….all of my hypocritical moments…..I do realize Jase chooses now but the foundation I laid down started him on these habits ……so when I see "hypocrites" in church "I have been there…will be there…over and over again" I know God will deal with them as he has with me and I feel sadness for them because like a pond with ripples the effect encompasses everyone they love and strangers. Being a hypocrite is a bad word for humans but to God it is a sin practiced by humans. I have been brought to my knees time and time again but God has been there and he chooses to put his arms around me and tell me "this is the way, come with me" and I FOLLOW no longer "a hypocrite" but "a child of God". So anyways I am the hypocrite people speak of in church sometimes I don't know the way or I didn't know and I am so sorry but I am learning and I continue to learn as I journey as God's child and I am so grateful That God forgives me…the pond ripples however…on and on in our human world…..consequences ……so please don`t stay away from God because of us......don`t let anyone or thing be your excuse to be God`s child.. | January 17
| a note to the hospital
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I was sent a parent satisfaction for the hospital for jaylee and wrote a "little note" about my experience. I was told by a friend to write my experiences and let them know for wheelchair bound people so it can change. I`m sure its not so easy but I will do my part...and the complaining commences =] I have been using T** for approximately 10 years now for emergency services and appointments requiring me to go to T**. I also had my 4 almost 5 year old daughter there. I was at T** for emergency services last year for essentially the same thing as this year. There is a pretty big difference….I am in a wheelchair with a coordination balance and strength difficulties. The overnight stay in the hospital with my 4 year old was absolutely the most difficult I have had lately to endure. I can get on my feet but I have to hang on to things to keep my balance……the wires…..beds….furniture….I couldn't comfort my child when the nurses put the IV in for the second time. The bathroom would not allow enough room for a wheelchair and the grab bar is not accessible from the potty. Spending the night in the "chair-bed" not enough room to get up and hold my balance when my child kept waking thru the night. Her surgery was in the morning and she was taken around 8:30 and my husband accompanied them and I was told to wait in the room. I did till 10:00 no one came in so I went looking for any nurse to find out….I was told I had to go to ambulatory surgery and she would be discharged from there. I gathered up her clothes, shoes, stuffed animals , papers, coffee cup my purse a back pack hugging everything propelling with my feet my wheelchair and proceeded to the area the nurse pointed out…….a good ways away from pediatric….at the desk I was informed her surgery was over with and I had to go to out patient services I think? Given directions and proceeded to go across the hospital….I finally got to the area but first had to go outside to come inside the area where she would be. I dropped some clothes and shoes that I was hugging-holding in my lap maneuvering out the door because one foot was out holding the door while trying to use one hand to roll the wheel on my wheelchair. I did find my husband who was waiting for my daughter. She was in recovery and almost out of anesthesia. I gotta tell you I will not be so crazy about the bill even with insurance I'm sure will set us back……I have had good experiences concerning T** previously and honestly it was New Years day so I am sure it was a pretty thin crew working. I understand and most likely will be back, but it would be so wonderful to see wheelchair accessibility but without help. Some of us can do it by ourselves its just opening doors and no bumps……its only wheelchair accessibility when someone is helping not when your by yourself. Thanks | January 16
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I am sitting here thinking and waiting ..as a parent when a child is sick or things are out of control I run back and forth frantically trying to fix things… remember things …..I as a human cannot sit still because, thru my human eyes if I sit nothing gets done or fixed I have to think it thru …do it thru …..I run circles around and around in my panic….I pray I worry.. I pray a different way.. different words I try and shake God…. I yell loud so he can hear me …I get angry and threaten why God why!!!
and I am exhausted , I am numb and then I am quiet ….and in the quiet I am on my knees with such a heavy load in my heart I cry…there are no words to express..…this is the groanings of my soul I look to God and I give up "I" cannot fix it……everything is laid at his feet………it is in this quiet this giving up of myself "what I want"……………….. God guides…. thru bible…. thru prayer ..thru Christian radio ….songs,,,,,"he`s the boss, he`s in control" be thankful in everything and know he works things for your good even if you can't see it. "Our ways are not his ways". Every crisis that hits in my life…..hits 2 or more a month I still run circles but I hear God more clearly when each crisis hits …….I am less weary and my roots get stronger and stronger in God. This walk called life is so very difficult but with God to guide me I am less weary and I smile sometimes =] the song "voice of truth" by mercy me
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
All these insights I have wanted right away so I don't have the painful consequence or avoid the consequences….but this is the journey….."learning" in my mind is like a painful shot, eyes closed, breath held….it's time now to open my eyes and choose to listen to the voice of truth….here I am lord…..here I am… | January 14
| monday monday..=]
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| I am so sad Cyndi Cyndi Cyndi....I have known Cyndi since I was 14...39 years wow =0 and we have managed to stay in touch ..always within sight of each other.....when I was married to Brad she married Jim........6 years later our kids Jason and Jimmy went to school together she had moved across the street from us.......new husband Dave for Cyn...new husband for me Eddie another 3 years pass and we somehow touch again and move up to Tucson within a month of each other....when we move they would move ...same apartments or different homes...we always managed to keep in touch every few months....they are homeless again......she isn`t well.....I have spoken to her about Jesus.....I know it won`t fix her problems miraculously but I want her on the same page as me. Talked to Jason about accepting Jesus......just in case......I know where he is......like a fire exit......I gather the people around me who are friends or family....and I want them in heaven with God.......selfishly me.....I am struggling to be consistent in my life...so so hard to do.......strengethen my roots.....I am overwhelmed so much to be a good parent ....will I ever measure up..........I take my orders from God.....and little by little he will get me thru....thank you Jesus for loving me=] | January 07
| by Charles Swindoll
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This is a piece of Mr. Swindolls sermon which I found so revelant right now....I have people contacting me I haven`t heard or seen 20 years or more....Debbie....Lyla.....Blanche......and then finding out others who have gotten saved I would never have thought possible! Just so great how lives have changed when you find Jesus and keep your eyes on God! I envision people walking down a road bright as day trees, flowers, birds, grass....we are all walking at our own pace some faster some slower smiling deep breathing just a genuine happiness to be there as we walk with Jesus eyes on God......I know life is hard and everything goes wrong , but its only for alittle while...compared to eternity! Thank you God , for calling me. Thank you Jesus for not giving up .....January 7, 2008
MINISTRY IN PAIN
by Charles R. Swindoll
Read Genesis 40 :1-3
Isn't it remarkable how often God brings experiences? Isn't it amazing, when we are hurting, God brings alongside us others who understand our pain? That is certainly true here. Joseph and these two men may have ended up in prison for different reasons, but they found themselves in the same place, sharing similar miseries. And out of his own painful experience, Joseph was able to minister to them. http://www.insight.org to read the rest of this sermon... | January 05
| GOD says
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Hallelujah my sins are washed away.....grace like rain falls down on me "God often uses setbacks to move us forward" This was the sign on the church billboard as we drove pass with Jaylee to emergency. It applys to me .....I will wait and learn! I received and email of our Pastor Andy having more medical problems health is worth more than gold...........when you don`t know how to fix it..........Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name , thy kingdom come thy will be done on eath as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not in to tempation but deliver us from evil, AMEN. http://www.cptryon.org/prayer/teach.html What each word means and wjy Jesus said this prayer | January 04
Quote so so cute he didn`t even yell or hit! what wonderful kids!
Teething Baby
Kid sticks his fingers in his brothers mouth and acts surprised when he's bitten. Keep this one away from the silverware and the power sockets. CUTENESS OVERLOAD! I wish I could move like that!
Quote
Sir Mix-A-Lot Wedding Dance
Now this is how you start off a marriage on the right foot, with a classy and romantic first dance!
| re...hospital
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| I have had time to reflect on the hospital situation and think about the things I observed......when I read what I wrote......selfishly it is about me me me.....When we got to emergency there were so many people there......so wretched.....some homeless.......old....young......not one smile.....we were ushered to another place for kids only. We were put in a room and waited and waited......a nurse....a nurse praticioner......a radiologist......oncall not quite a DR?? and then a Dr who fills in very Jaylee`s pediatrition.....He had many questions and after awhile I got the feeling being in a wheelchair was a detriment for good parenting. He alluded to Sarah in the bible [I have too} who was a 100 when she had Isaac to me and Eddie I indeed felt old! They have a thing about privacy and don`t look at other patients, they kept closing the door of the examing room. In the hospital room at pediatrics there was a baby crying 2-3 mos and an older one 1 yr that kept coughing a heart rending cough.........another room was occupied by a child 10 years or more....I would look out our rooms door and see feet in bed...........I wondered how many children died in the room we were in ..how many parents lost a most important part of their life......and I was so glad I found God and he found me....I was praying when these thoughts passed thru my mind...I sent a Christmas Card to some family and friends and am now hearing from them. The online chaplain had a sermon that was very good about waiting.....I put it on the blog earlier. Somehow all of this ties in to God and where I am suppose to be...... open the eyes of my heart Lord ...open the eyes of my heart...so I can see you... | January 03
| deja vu...... good grief!
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Well Dec 27 06 Jaylee had surgery when she swallowed a penney, she had it in her throat for 5 days before I took her in....that was last year! Jan 1st a MARBLE.......so......to emergency at 4 pm............8pm we are spending the night at the hospital for surgery in the am.........hospitals are not wheelchair accessible.....doors are wide but rooms are small..........I slept on a chair.....I could only sit in the wheelchair and had to walk and hang on to walls and furniture to move around, even bathrooms didn`t accomodate......They put an IV in her hand for the surgery and she was screaming and I couldn`t get to her to calm her. It was so frustrating......I couldn`t turn the lights off ....nothing to eat or drink.....just totally unprepared to stay thru the night. No one to really talk to and the next day I sat in the room for 1 1/2 hours waiting for Jaylee to come back after surgery, Eddie had gone with her.......they informed me "she`s not coming back here" go to aumbulatory surgery. I had shoes clothes purse backpack stuffed animal and a coffee cup Eddie brought and hospital papers.......so I put everything in my lap and hugged it and used my feet to propel the wheelchair.........it was on the otherside of the hospital. I had to go outside to get back in............wheelchair accessible in a hospital means there is someone else to steer and push and move things outta the way! Not for people "in" a wheelchair who need to make there way by themselves. Jaylee was ok after a couple of hours but mean and sassy.....I passed a church and the sign said " 2 steps back means God is pushing you thru his steps his way" looking back and forward to the year I was scared but only for alittle while.....Eddie reminded us "to pray" wow Eddie he`s coming along for the ride! my hubbys walking with Jesus and he doesn`t know it.....or does he |
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I also think about people with cancer.... paraplegics.......there strength in dealing with pain and waiting and my concerns seem so selfish. Eddie is doing his best and when he isn`t I`m mumbling under my breath! I have got to stop it because it affects my outlook. I get panicky thinking how long and IF.......today ..so far so good.....I can deal......when I can`t I have to find my bible and read......God does care........there are no poof magical cures........I cried to mom "for the glory of God" she understands being here time and time again in her life..........growing up "she didn`t know anything" "times have changed, she doesn`t know" .......funny how dead on they are about there kids and what they know.........mom has stayed thru thick and thin
well I`m here and breathing and my toes still wiggle
