I am still reading in Leviticus and there are so many animals having to be sacrificed for everything……being human is Impossible being so near to God BEFORE Jesus came. The fires on the altar is constantly going for each person in the camp , sacrificing animals, grain for so many sins….but also in thanksgiving for prayers answered or events in there lives………In everything undertaken everyday there is interaction between God and humans…….it is my guide in what God wants from me everyday……..I picture my hand on God thru out the day……what I want is God’s hand touching me thru out the day……now that Jesus has come and died on the cross, it can be!

Saturday night I finally…finally took a shower! Sponge baths since Jan 21^st when I fell. What a relief, what a miracle to shower standing up! Thanking God and Jesus for getting me thru tuff circumstances. I have to be very very careful “NO CLOSING THE EYES>>>>>DON`T LET GO AND ALWAYS KEEP BOTH FEET ON THE FLOOR!!! It was so different being able to wash my hair, being in control of taking care of myself and making choices……I have to think about everything now before I do them……….Jaylee invaded my shower Sunday night and no falls, just lots of anxiety of being able to wash her hair and keep both of my feet down! Yes! I prayed for strength and safety!….Jaylee was sick Sunday at 3 in the morning….”.puds“, her name for diarrhea or constipation……she was trying to clean herself up, lights are on and noise…. and Eddie hates to be waken and usually yelling cursing follow out of frustration….I can’t get in the wheelchair fast enough to cool everybody down…..I think she at 5 yrs trying to take of herself is a really great way of helping me. Eddie seems so angry and wants to sleep a lot because he is tired……..I think alcohol, drugs, ….sleeping is a way to escape what you don’t want to deal with or live with. I recognize being tired as a legitimate feeling when you don’t get enough sleep but when you don’t interact with people other than angry hurtful words eating watching TV it seems so wrong….reading this I am just as guilty by just keeping silent. Confrontation is difficult for me to deal with, so I will keep running interference with the kids and pray……Sunday a young Lady[15-16] got up to sing “Stand for Jesus”……I marveled at the strength it took to stand up in front of everybody……I am so glad and thankful to be able to go to church, I learn so much about God and Jesus, Thank you Pastor David.

Today is Saturday and Jelly was sick all of a sudden Friday. Cyndi the Pastors wife picked up Jaylee to play with there kids at their house…..swimming, swinging and kids….so much fun ……….but. Right after eating spaghetti at lunch with them…she threw up on the couch…I felt really bad for Cyndi 4 kids and Jelly sick. Cyndi called and said she would bring her home……Jaylee has never thrown up, when she was born with a birth defect called esophageal fistula and attached the esophagus to the stomach I had to give medicines to keep her from throwing up so all these years I have not had to deal with throwing up……….so I was amazed to hear and see her throwing up. Then diarrhea started [that I’m use to] high fever….she couldn’t keep water or pepto bismal down….I am not sure if its flu, or something else…another thing, being in a wheelchair ,caring for a sick child cleaning up, back and forth every few minutes, 3 baths ,a load of laundry ,cleaning throw up and diarrhea on couches ,beds, blankets ,clothes and carpets…….is really hard in a wheelchair and so frustrating gggrrrrr. …Men are not compassionate or good at cleaning up……it does no good to cuss yell and threaten when a child is sick, by looking in her eyes I know its serious. Some liquids in her and the fever goes up and down but diarrhea and throw up stopped late last night….she is manageable on the couch right now so hopefully the worst is over……Eddie….Jaron…….YIKES…..I’ll pray that doesn’t happen! I am in Leviticus and I am reading about how to offer up sacrifices to the lord. I see now where fellowship and sharing came in……I always think of Jewish festivities with lots of eating family and friends honoring God…….that is how I view Israel……land of God, love, good food, Consistent, honest……

I have not written in awhile because frankly…..just getting thru the day….cooking , cleaning, kids….the different feeling….infection in the ankle has just been tiring and I didn’t think God was listening….I know he knows how many hair are numbered on my head…..he knew me before I was formed in the womb……..it just is untouchable or difficult to wrap myself around it……lets face it “Pity Party again”….its difficult to hear God when all of this chaos is going on in my life….Eddie hasn’t been a happy camper because I am getting too crazy about God! Jaylee did it again…..she said Easter is about Jesus on the cross and he is alive again!….she is listening =], imagine that =]……course Eddie isn’t happy……I have said I will wait trying to go softly so THEY can follow…….I am walking ahead now and I think Eddie feels betrayed because I have God before him now……not sure what to do….I’ll ask Jesus………Sunday Pastor David really introduced me to Jesus! A skit of 5 minutes was done without the horror of blood or whippings but just as tearful…….A person as Jesus, a young girl and the song “You are my king, amazing love ” Jesus called her and she begin this amazing dance with Jesus called life…..and she danced for awhile and then a young man signifying boyfriends danced with her putting Jesus behind him and another person with money shaking in his hands, another and another signifying drugs and alcohol….another signifying bulimia all standing in front of Christ signifying he is last….finally she is beat down, cowering with her hands protecting her head while they are beating her….she finally puts her hand out and Jesus takes her hand and stands behind her hands raised on the cross and all the people signifying life are beating on him….and she can finally stand again her hands in a praying gesture…..I confess I have a hard time seeing Jesus stand in for me with this disease and the struggles of everyday….I know in my heart and soul and believe everything the bible says but making that connection until now………now I can see…….now I can connect…….=]

Today is therapy day , hope it goes well. Eddie Jaylee and Jaron have been sick with the flu……..so much drama about dealing with symptoms…….I guess compassion goes along way instead of irritability….I have been reading Exodus 18-23 and this part struck me as very important when God actually came to Mount Sinai to give the 10 commandments and how he wanted “his people” to live and treat each other……God actually came down to living human beings and I know his son Jesus Christ came to live among us! The mountain trembled and smoke and fire and clouds surrounded it…….the people were afraid……..the song “ I can only imagine” was on earlier and I thought would I have been afraid, afraid to look just thinking about God within reach of my eyes…wow……these verses in the bible struck me as very important of what God wants from his followers whether they be Jews or Christians…….3-6 As Moses went up to meet God, God called down to him from the mountain: "Speak to the House of Jacob, tell the People of Israel: 'You have seen what I did to Egypt and how I carried you on eagles' wings and brought you to me. If you will listen obediently to what I say and keep my covenant, out of all peoples you'll be my special treasure. The whole Earth is mine to choose from, but you're special: a kingdom of priests, a holy nation. The 10 commandments were given and laws given “BY GOD” IN PERSON for man to live and practice. Many of these laws I recognize as US laws. Course many have been challenged to be more favorable to man in mans eyes…..we keep challenging them as being unfair to certain groups of people, according to we the people…..GOD`S LAWS UNJUST!!! What are we thinking???

I had to think about this verse today and it is absolutely true…

Jesus replied, "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.
John 6:35, NLT
View in context

…I don’t wonder about dying, where I’m going……..reincarnation, ghosts, monsters, etc. I don’t wonder about magical things , like Native American religion, spirits living in every rock, tree or dead relatives following you around…..coincidences….I don’t wonder at statues leaking blood or tears, shroud of Turin……….if I do good it comes back to me………..dreams…………questions on living in the real world……….how do I make my way……….my kids……..my husband……….my marriage………..my finances……friends…..family…….illnesses………..diseases………at 49 I am finally too tired to do it my way…………Finding Jesus I have every bit of knowledge God wants me to have at my fingertips……..prayer……bible……..Pastors………I can speak to God and he’s never to busy are tired to hear from me…..There are still bad things that happen in life but I am not alone, I don’t have to struggle thru it by myself…..I know where to go when I’m happy sad angry or burdened…..God is only a heartbeat away…….I don’t have to look any more, I’m home.

Be still and know that I am God….I had said earlier about repetitive things to do [bible , prayers, church, tithing] its our human ways, to know about God, to understand God…..obedience……..after awhile it becomes meaningless because our hearts are not in it………..that is what God wants our “heart“……….in the bible it speaks of Mary and Martha sisters one chose to sit and listen, one chose to prepare a wonderful meal when Jesus came to visit…….I am cleaning and cooking not because I want to, someone has to do it………I don’t have a sister who wants to volunteer =]…..sometimes reading the bible can be a chore =[……and I get nothing from God just anxious and condemned and hurried when I don’t want to be there…..I listen to Christian radio   family life radio ......... song HELD by Natalie Grant…..hugs to Pam little sis reminds me of you……..let God hold you, no love can compare…..I read a verse from the bible…..God reveals himself to me……….its not how much I read……how many times I go to church………how much I give or not……when I hear God, is my heart with him…….I feel tearful and humbled when I connect with Him. It does no good to be a Christian robot …..busy?…….read 1 verse….listen to Christian radio family life radio when driving, talk or whisper to God when cooking, cleaning……..knock knock , here I am God =]………=0 its so easy, its so easy, so doggone easy…..song by Buddy Holly!

It has taking me years to see and know God, always looking thru human eyes.........Oprah talks about "the big give" "light bulb moments" "ephipanys" etc.....all starting with "I" word.......a seeker of God, a christian begins with " God did"  seeing a child as innocent without sin....thru human eyes......thru God`s eyes born into sin, terrible 2`s and 3`s and 4`s and on and on!! Accepting Jesus,, repenting, seeking God prayer reading the bible, puts on God`s eyes to see what he sees that is what God did for me! I still have a ways to go ....hang on baby!                                                                                                     , March 12, 2008     

MISUNDERSTOOD
by Charles R. Swindoll

Read Exodus 4:29--6:2

A bad day just got worse! Moses couldn't believe it. Disappointment turned to disillusionment. Where had he gone wrong? He had taken God at His word, stood before Pharaoh, and repeated---almost word perfectly---what God had told him to say. He said the right words, at the right time, to the right person, spoken in the right way. And now the wheels seemed to be falling off the wagon. The very people he had longed to help (for over forty years) were now cursing him for increasing their hardships and anguish. "Why did you come, Moses? It was bad enough before you showed up. Now, our lives are in danger."

Being misunderstood hurts all the way to the bone. Maybe you've felt that sting recently. You did the right things in the right way but someone misjudged you, reading motives into your acts or words that you never intended. And now you live under that cloud, unable to change the minds of those who have turned against you.

Moses came before the Lord asking those two questions most of us ask when we find ourselves under intolerable pressure: Why? and How?

We begin by saying, "Why? Why me? Why now? Why this?" And then we ask, "How? How in the world am I going to get through this or out of that?"

As one who has also spoken those words numerous times in my life's journey, I find myself very encouraged by how the Lord responded to Moses. He didn't say, "Back off, Moses. You should be ashamed of yourself." I love it that the Lord never slaps you or shames you when you come to Him. He never pushes you away when you bring an aching, honest question that cries out for an answer.

Isn't that great of God? Instead of criticizing Moses for asking "Why?" the Lord says, "Just you wait, son. Pharaoh's been reading too many of his own press clippings. He thinks he's a god, but there is only one God, and he'll find that out soon enough. For a brief period it will seem to you that he's in charge. But don't kid yourself, Moses. I alone am the Lord."

Yesterday I was watching TBN and a young man came on by the name of, Tully Chedizinsky………..the last name may not be spelled right……….anyways he is the grandson of Billy Graham. He said something about God that a family member and I were discussing about. Being in a Pentecostal church [speaking in tongues, healing, student of the bible, testimonials etc etc….,] that pretty much all day every there was something to do with the church. Church , bible study sun morning, sun night ..mon , tues, wed bible study, church…thurs. Fri. bible study…..Friday night….sat night and beginning again …unless there was a revival which would go all week long from 6-10 at night. Tully and a my family member said the same thing “ I knew of God” “ I knew about him” but didn’t know him…………We get so lost in the rituals of man designed to keep us memorizing about God , we lose the most important thing God wants from us ……a relationship……. who HE is ……..what HE wants from us…… for us……….It would be like beginning a relationship with the love of your life, that feeling you get seeing this person, there car, there words ,everything they say and do is okay by you……after a couple of years things start to pull you away……..job, kids, bills, life. pretty soon you lose touch with each other …….that person isn’t so important anymore some walk away, some stay in the relationship and never grow………and some really take a look and commit and find the love of there life again. Tully said he walked away, age 16-21 living in the pigsty of life……..lets face it partying relationships hangovers fun for awhile while young but growing up moving on seeing reality as it is……laying a foundation with God at least you know you can run back to safety, accepting, love, forgiveness……is what you look for from 25 on up…….rose colored glasses you had at 16 finally come off………for me it was 45.……….accept Jesus, seek him by praying and reading the bible……and whatever you do……hang on baby………WHAT A RIDE =]