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    April 28

    be safe Mom

    Had a disturbing phone call from Mom. It involves _____ and family and of course Mom. I`m praying for intervention again. When you have a father figure who drinks and raises kids that lifestyle is either adopted by the kids are they become the other spouse in their relationships. the child that was raised has had 3 people in there life and all have had an addiction with or and drugs and alcohol. They have repeated Mom`s life over and over...The Kids live what they learn that`s why the sins of the father and mother repeat and repeat.......I pray for God to intervene and us kids to quit enabling this behavior. Mom`s legacy is an enabler and stepfathe`s legacy is addiction to ??? I worry about Mom unable to leave the house in a wheelchair with steps, so much for retirement and enjoying life.....struggle struggle push give us a break God please**
    April 27

    What makes me smile

    My daughter moving gracefully to music on tv or radio. She moves beautifully all her body parts to interpert how she feels. When I`m in the wheelchair I move with her, so dance Jaylee, jump ,run Mom is with you....

    smack!

    How the heck did that happen! I bonked my head again! Fortunately no major mishaps....I sneezed near the glass door and smacked my forehead on the handle...a dent and cut ......at least I didn`t go thru the window or cut myself needing stitches or fall all scenarios being painful....Jaylee always asks ok Mom? ok Mom? seeing Mom fall or having to rush to emergency at 3 yrs she knows something is wrong. When you sneezed it takes alot of control I never knew existed. knees have to lock hold on watch for doors windows open cabinets microwave[mishap 6 years ago fracturing my nose!] lock the spine, don`t bite the tongue and hang on! don`t let go! Oh Poop I forgot I had to pee!  Absolutley miserable when cold season hits, pretty much bed-ridden and non talkative because my tongue hurts YOW! People say be careful! How can you  be careful with no contol or coordination...Walk Walk Walk Nancy head down keep on moving.........
    April 26

    good grief!

    well I`m here, sort of....depressing day today....it seems I`m having alot of thoses these days.....lots of anger......lots of hoplessness.....I waited for Eddie to get home to help me with Jaylee so I could plant.........I miss it so much.....made a mess, couldn`t stand,dirt every where.......another thing I could do bites the dirt.....before to long all that will be left is breathing and sitting.........oh lord give me strength to face what is happening.........I wish I will I wish I might I wish upon a star tonight....The flowers are blooming trees are growing green it gives me hope...
    April 20

    Talking about Jesus ~ His Last Week

      I want to say I visted this site and found Marnie`s at kastlekidz What an inspiration her words are, I needed to read them.The meditation is awsome..Thanks Marnie! [her space is on the comment for hhhmmm]

    Quote

    Jesus ~ His Last Week
    The Church commemorates the climactic week in the life of Jesus Christ, ending in  His death and resurrection...
     
    Palm Sunday
     
    Jesus enters Jerusalem in triumph; hailed by Jews who pave His way with palm leaves.
     
    Holy Week
     
    Jesus preaches with disciples in Bethany
     
    Holy Thursday
     
    The Last Supper ~ Institution of the Eucharist and the priesthood
     
    Garden of Gethsemane ~ Jesus prays and in His agony, sweats blood.  He is then betrayed by a kiss from His apostle, Judas, and arrested.  Jesus is taken to Pontius Pilate, Roman governor of Judea, and questioned.
     
    Good Friday
     
    Jesus is scouraged and sentenced to death.  He is mocked cruelly by soldiers and fitted with a crown of thorns.
     
    Golgotha:  Place of the Skull ~ Jesus stumbles several times and is helped by Simon of Cyrene.
     
    Crucifixion ~ Jesus, naked,  is nailed to a cross; positioned between two thieves.  Jesus dies on the cross and soldiers lance his side; blood and water pour from the wound.  Jesus is then taken down from the cross and laid in a tomb.
     
    Easter Sunday
     
    Resurrection ~ Jesus rises from the dead, leaving an empty tomb with the stone rolled back.  Appears to Mary Magdalene and says "Do not hold on to me, because I have not yet ascended to the Father.  But go to my brethren and say to them, 'I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.'" John 20:17
     
     
    MEDITATION
     
    Many of us have stood beneath the cross.  Sometimes it is the cross of disease and death.  If you have ever seen someone succumbing to the ravages of a disease and watched the dewindling and destruction of his or her body, you have been at the foot of the cross with Mary.  If you have been a parent and had a child die in an unexpected, harsh or violent way, you have known the heartache of Mary as she watched Jesus die.
     
    The "crosses" we stand by may not always mean that the one who hangs there is physically dying.  If you have listened and listened to a friend who is journeying back through old wounds, you have been there beneath the cross.  If you have watched someone you love become devoured by drugs or alcohol and heard the denials and false promises, you have had a place beneath the cross. 
     
    Any time you have beeen with another person who is suffering and have been unable to take the pain away, you have been at the cross with Mary.  When love is the motivation, one can wait beneath the cross for a very long time.
     
    April 19

    hhmmmm.

    Slow day today, Jaylee has been sick for 2 days with a cold. She sneezes and snot everywhere yuck!! Oh well she`s getting better. Weiner wednesday, 25 cent hotdogs at der weinerschnitzel! I fry up frenchfries and its like eating out for 3.00! Eddie says I`m cheap, I`ve just learned to enjoy life when I can....Jason`s birthday coming up he`ll be 27!!!! Eddie wants to send him 500 to help with the move. Jaron will be home early and Jaylee needs a diaper change and juice
    April 17

    a day after day after day...........

    Well its a day.........I`m sitting here watching my daughter draw complain and watch tv. her round little glasses perched on her nose...she draws all over the paper now as oppose to a dot or line and another clean sheet of paper. she draws in circles like a spring and its a dora or mom or dad. She has her red dress on and her black princess shoes...hope I don`t forget these days....Easter was pretty good. It started off loud and angry but ended satisfied and full!!!!!!  I am really tired doing these big dinners, I can`t continue my dexterity is getting worse. I hang on to counters and brace myself but my knees unlock and my arms start shaking. I noticed I cannot hold things in both hands at the same time. I look at my hands but can1t feel the muscle anymore. I drop things over and over again and picking things up like paper or eggshells cucumber peels potatoe peels I have to grab and push and finally use a rug or something to push the item against it to pick it up. I will drop it several times before I can get it too the sink or trash. Thats what gets me so tired, repetative actions. I am so slow when I cook I burn things chopping items to add to the meal. A friend came over with her daughter to drop something off and I can see shock in her eyes....no makeup, weight gain, worsening condition.....I feel old and haggard and ashamed. I spoke to Jarons friends mother to have her and her sister over, she spoke to me like a child very slow  like I was 12. I wont ask again if she would like to come over. Jaron`s on his own! I wish I will I wish I might I wish upon a star tonight.....
    April 12

    no cook day!!!

    It`s no cook day!!!! yippee!! I don`t have enough of those days. Usually hotdog wedneday at Der Weinerschnitzel .25 but we celebrated and got a PIZZA ....Toni's Birthday 24...she died 4 and half years ago.........and life goes on.....Mom is still intent on getting the manufactured home settled on Larry and Donna`s land. T I wonder where that will leave Mom. Jaron`s grades are getting worse and I don`t know how to help. Use to volunteer at school and knew the teachers so he didn`t get away with anything. Now I have no idea what`s going on with him. I have to figure a way to leave the house get to school keep a 3 year old occupied and not fall or lose her. This disability makes my whole family disabled because I can`t do my job as mom. I fell today in the bathroom broke some stuff but Im ok just sore and bruised. I was thinking when I was falling please God I can`t afford a trip to emergency save me!!!Welll I didn`t go to emergency!! Praise God!!!! I am thankful for that...  Jaylee is ready for bed, time to go...and life goes on...
    April 07

    jaylee girl!

    I am sitting here ojn the computer while my husband makes egg and potatoe burritos! oh what heaven! and Jaylee...........irritating the stuffings out of me....all day....dinnertime yummy!!!!!! byebye
    April 02

    sunday survival

    Woke up today with alot of expectation and nothing happened again. I am so despondent sometimes because there is no change. I wonder if I`m not doing enough trying enough something I`m doing wrong maybe. No healing....no miracles.....no changes wheather it be physically mentally financially even going to church meeting someone who I can talk too. I always believed that having Ataxia would not be so bad because I would have help along the way. The Bible says ask, believe but thats not the way it is. I listen to much to tv preachers who make promises if you do what they say, and things don`t happen because you didn`t believe enough give enough or have enough faith. Speaking to family and friends I find that the same things are happening to them but....they don`t dwell on it and just go on.....I am stuck in this box of a house with a 3 year old weeks at a time, not that I don`t love her but what kindxa of life will she have with no social or physical life out side. Her companion is Mom and the tv programs. How much damage am I doing her imposing my disability on her. What were you thinking God to give her to me. I can`t even give her basic things. How long will my husband stay??? No guarantees in life I guess, just got to get thru but I so want much better for my daughter......I am looking for answers..........if I can just find the door I can open it, I know I can..please..please..please........