Interestingly today was one of those days I was depressed about a situation that I had caused last night… Going back to my childhood and going thru the teen years…….and last night I asked God for an answer…I want my kids to know they are loved and wanted. Mistakes I made with Jase…….I hardly ever hugged him and told him how important he is to me, how proud I am of him, how much I love him…….I don’t want to make that mistake with Jaron and Jelly. I know that God has to be in there life and many kids will fight church and God. I think it is so important that parents model the fruits of God. Yelling isn’t I’m sure one of those fruits……….and it seems the more disabler I get the louder my yell……Jaron was baptized at 13 but I don’t think he understood……..he just wanted to swim! I see on TV boys and girls doing things not even adults shouldn’t do……I see nieces and nephews grown up in church walk away…..what is it I as a parent need to see and apply information…..the key to unlock my kids soul……….God absolutely , but how I PARENT is so important so they can hear Jesus and follow. I want my kids to go on to college but “ what profit a person who gains the whole world and loses there soul?”….I find myself gazing at Jaron who will he be…..how will God use him……..I frequently pray to God that I don’t mess this up but a disability OVERWHELMS me with life and I feel helpless to be a part of his life…….course he fights me every step of the way……..and now Jelly has started……..this site gives me some information on growing up kids, by John MacArthur… http://www.gty.org/Resources/Articles/9786 he says “but if you win the heart you win the Child”

In Genesis Cain and Abel gave sacrifices according to there works. On the surface it looks like Cain, is being vilified for giving his works of the land [farmer] as an offering to the Lord and Abel [herdsman] and animal blood sacrifice. It looks on the surface that God is playing favorites……….Cain, brought the Lord his offerings , but in his heart he was telling God what offerings where acceptable …..God told Abel and Cain what was acceptable as sacrifices they in turn CHOSE to listen to God and give according to what was in there heart…..you see where Cain, grumbled in his heart because his offerings didn’t get approval from God. Abel chose the first born, first fruits, the very best he had to offer………Cain ,chose whatever he had what HE WANTED…..God saw the hearts of Cain and Abel and that is why the Lord was pleased with Abel’s offering….the bible is like the onion, peeling layer after layer and finding the very best of the onion underneath the layers. It takes time prayer and reading to understand what God is saying and wants from us…..not a caricature of Christianity but what is real*** YOUR HEART***. You can’t hide your heart from God…….like Adam and Eve your heart stands naked in front of God.

Well today started out quiet but when Jelly got up …..madder than a hornet…….I really detest these mornings that take my peace and ends up as a mean mother trying to control her daughter. Interestingly enough her behavior this morning………mirrored mine yesterday morning…….hhmmmmmm……..it wasn’t pretty =] yesterday frustration anger why why why………ever vacuum in a wheelchair………clean a bathroom sitting down……..mop sitting down……..I get angry trying to get thru and always WHY WHY WHY comes out……my tantrum and Jellys mirrored each other……I am ashamed standing before God angry yelling help me…….jelly standing before me I hate you……..I don’t like you……….go away……..God reminding me as a parent to a child your roots are strong enough to withstand your disability it’s time to grow up. The Jewish people in Exodus Leviticus Numbers who fell away grumbled came back grumbled ………I recognize me in these people…..being humbled by your child is a good thing.

The song Amazing Grace is playing, it would always bring me to tears when I was 10-11 all the way up to 40`s when I would try and sing it …unending love amazing grace….was lost but now I’m found………I watched a video of Kurt Cameron the actor  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgtrKojXk5k [growing pains] and how he spoke of finding Jesus……how Jesus FOUND him……and the song amazing grace is about Jesus finding the lost. I thought I was looking for something and I was……… on earth , but Jesus found me and showed me it was him I was looking for…..I wanted to know what made Jesus so special…..many people in the military died for me and others to have freedom…..I could not see past my human eyes why Jesus was so special……these past couple of years God has been showing me growing my roots stronger showing me thru his eyes who Jesus is…....prayer….bible….Pastor David…..husband ……kids….it is truly a walk thru out your life to find out who and what God wants you to know….how to serve him……heaven is a place I think filled with serving God and Jesus HIS way. It will be instantaneous and I will know with out a doubt what to do! TV evangelists talk about mansions you will have in heaven eating whatever you like……..I am not sure but I don’t think it will be so trivial, and restful or fun. It will be exciting and serving our Lord Jesus Christ and God will have a purpose that we will know about. So while I wait on this earth and wrestle and struggle with getting thru my days…crying….praying…yelling….I also see and hear God encouraging me to continue on …..I want to finish the race strongly giving everything I have……my kids and my husband are my chosen recipients to give everything I have that God has given me. Lisa’s Birthday tomorrow….HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIS…….my deepest admiration and love of what it is to be a strong Christian……….she has the strength to keep walking not looking to the right or left believing in everything Jesus has told her….Mom, Pam, Lisa ……strong women in Christ my encouraging role models….

I have been reading in numbers and Deuteronomy and reading Exodus thru Leviticus about the chosen people “Jews” and at first I saw Jews as exasperating God always complaining ………now as I read on I can see why God chose them. God lived among them and many rules and traditions followed. God living among man without Jesus as intercessor any sins committed could bring instant death. It was very strict way of life and I have much admiration and love and respect for people who would remain constant with God……Moses such a strong Christian man into his 80`s……today Billy Graham, Pat Robertson, Randy Carlson, Mr. Dobson, Chuck Swindoll, etc…….being consistent and exact …………..Aaron as a priest losing 2 sons in an instant for not following the laws exactly as God commanded……even today the practices are still lived by orthodox Jews……….I love reading the bible and finding out about people who lived thousands of years ago. I was confused and a little upset with God when I first started reading the bible, but finally God has shown me why and how and who……the bible makes sense and who God is gets more and more beautiful and precious the more I read and understand……..and like Moses and Abraham Joshua Noah a life time of walking with God seeking him…..this is where my purpose is……..so feet don’t fail me now we have a ways to go and I don’t want to miss one moment of this wonderful walk…..

I remember Lucy the Neanderthal when I was going to school in 76 and nothing else but many of the so called finds have never made it passed a few bones a tooth or skull, no complete skeletons……much like the sasquatch or the abominable snowman after 100`s of years whoops “millions and millions” not even one full intact skeletons of a “cave man” have been found…..questioning the “smart people” never occurred to me ……..reading the bible my belief is so much stronger because God took the time to explain it to me and Christians who want to know………..miracles are in the words God has written in the bible, I marvel at what God has done for us seen and unseen and like the grains of sand on earth there is so much knowledge God has if I live a million million years I still will only have a few grains of knowledge that God has…….so I stand in awe of who God is…Hallelujah How Great is my God…….Pastor David keeps introducing me to the wonders of God, and who he is……thank you Pastor your
“Creation versus Evolution” makes a person like me understand.

Sunday Pastor David did a seminar on EVOLUTION and CREATION lasting 4 ½ hours…..I know it was grueling because his voice started tiring, but it cleared up many questions when reading the bible. WONDERFUL JOB PASTOR!! I do know in Genesis clouds were not made for watering. In the world a mist would come up and water the ground, nothing fell from the sky UNTIL the flood that covered the earth and Noah. So Many facts about evolution and mutations of 150 million years. Why there are only a few thousand of dinosaurs have been found…..should be millions upon millions…….finding animals known only in 1 part of the world in the opposite side……why animals frozen in time with a mouthful of food upright suggests death happening in a blink of an eye …..small dinosaurs on the ark…….the ark from dimensions in the bible was big enough to not only to house the 20,000 different species but still big enough that they only took half of the ark..……hibernation maybe while they were on the ark….the world being totally different after Adam and Eve……the world temps 75 degrees [no winters……you didn’t hear about coats, the bible is very specific about the world people and laws] small mountains, the earth was pretty much flat so water could cover it Psalm 104:6-9 (New Living Translation)

Holy Bible. New Living Translation copyright © 1996, 2004 by Tyndale Charitable Trust. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers.

6 You clothed the earth with floods of water,
water that covered even the mountains.
7 At your command, the water fled;
at the sound of your thunder, it hurried away.
8 Mountains rose and valleys sank
to the levels you decreed.
9 Then you set a firm boundary for the seas,
so they would never again cover the earth

I have so many lessons I am having to learn……from Sunday at church to sermons on the radio 94.0 am. The best thing for me right now is to open my ears and understand what God is telling me……….Pastor Greg Laurie had a sermon today ………comparing………my big big problem…..I heard in another sermon examine yourself to see where you are going are you listening to God, examine your motives……….yesterday speaking to my mom she told me of physical problems and life which I can relate to……although her age makes it more extreme…….shaking when trying to eat or doing something specific……..staying home for months at a time with virtually no visitors……course Larry would be my bright spot, so entertaining, funny……I love my little brother so smart! Anyways seeing what’s ahead and the symptoms is kinda like a spanking….wait till dad gets home……the waiting……I see mom and Lisa and john and I get fearful of strength and fortitude…..I compare myself to other Christians ….what have I done to help serve God………..and I see where I am lacking in volunteering, participating in church functions …….so the sermon is on comparing……one Christian builds his house big beautiful and fast………the other Christian takes his time and slowly builds his home making sure each and every phase is done correctly and it takes him much longer to build his house……….the other Christian has moved in his new home and enjoying his life…….finally finally the 2^nd Christian finishes his house and moves in thoroughly enjoying what he has built strong and perfect………the first Christians house is experiencing problems first one than another……….God has chosen me as the 2^nd Christian he has not finished my foundations they are not strong enough to stand the test of time. I worried about strong roots, floating or walking away from God and pray everyday for strength to keep moving……God reminded me my foundations needed strengthening. When the medical bills, everyday kid problems, housing difficulties with wheelchair, a car, groceries……I keep asking for help….yelling =[ and there’s my answer! So my answer from God…..quit comparing get your eyes back on your own paper! Short and sweet,

I haven’t written in days because I was emailing my little brother and complaining……he gave me a spiritual spanking =] …the one thing in our conversations ,God is always in control to the last little detail [every hair is numbered on every humans head, take a look at the sand if every bit God has created besides the billions of other things in this world and the universe] and my thinking in my human mind my husband is in control of our life kids etc….Larr has a wonderful grasp on the bible and what God wants from him. I am so impressed with his knowledge and giving me a synopsis of what he thinks God is telling us about the bible , Larry said “I am not sure that I understand anything more about God
than anyone else. The most I can say is that after reading
the Bible, that all through the Old Testament and the New
Testament is that the common theme is that God is
searching the heart and warns that actions or deeds mean
nothing to Him. That was the problem with the Pharisees
and Sadducees, they did everything on the surface and for
show. Meanwhile, they got so mixed up with superficial
things that they forgot about the matters of the heart”……..

Another email he wrote to me had a lot of insight of every Christian seeks but forgets or just doesn’t see the big picture….me! He said